Charles Buckowski said, “If you have the ability to love, love yourself first.”
A year ago, I would have scoffed at that sentiment. I would have accused the author and poet of selfishness. What about my son? What about my husband? Doesn’t kindness demand that I put others before myself? How selfish would I be if I chose myself first? Now I cringe at the destruction my unwillingness - even inability - to love myself first caused. I can only imagine in horror the way my life would be right now if I had never learned the truth of this matter.
This is where healing and transformation starts. It starts in the depths of your soul - with love for yourself.
When we don’t actively, intentionally and fiercely love ourselves first, we end up subconsciously seeking and expecting love and care from the people we are “putting first”. This leaves us at the mercy of their ability and capacity to give us attention. Also, because this is rarely happening consciously, it usually falls into the “unspoken and unmet expectation” category - and that will leave us riding an emotional roller coaster we don’t understand. We’ll do more and more for those we love in an effort to get more and more back, and we’ll find ourselves increasingly distraught when the efforts are not returned in kind. In truth, we’re expending enormous efforts in a misguided attempt to manipulate love out of our closest friends and family. Our emotions become fragile, and our entire lives become consumed with the game we didn’t even know we were playing - make them love me, make them approve of me, make them want more of me, make them proud of me, make them accept me. Except, we forget - or never knew - that the most important person that needs to love and accept you - IS YOU!
No other person on earth can fill the void that will be left in our heart and soul if we don’t love ourselves.
Many of us are taught from a very young age the beautiful work of caring for others. But, rarely have I found the intentional, practical teaching of self-love. Instead, we shred our own self-esteem, pick apart every line and imperfection. We berate ourselves for genetics we can’t change and we find ourselves seemingly incapable of making the changes that are well within our control. Do we believe we aren’t worthy? Have we been so conditioned to put all of our energy into other people, that we feel selfish and egotistical turning even a fraction of that attention onto ourselves? This pattern leaves us with the subconscious hope that someone will put the same energy into us that we put into everyone around us. This simply can’t happen. No one else knows exactly what we need at any given time, and the person conditioned to care only for others will not ask for exactly what they need. And so the cycle continues. Our body and mind know when they aren’t being cared for, and because we believe we must garner care from others, we will become angry over time at those that haven’t taken care of us in the exact way we’ve been hoping. We’ll find ourselves in an angry, anxiety ridden depression, blaming others for the state that we’re in.
And how do I know all of this? Because I lived it. I want to write to you about it because I found a way out, and I want to show you how. Everyone has to walk their own journey. Not every word will apply. But, if I can pave part of your road, or hold a metaphorical flashlight that illuminates a step you would have otherwise tripped on - then it’s worth it.
It was a shift in our family dynamic that woke me up to this phenomenon. I realized I had become a shell of who I once was. I felt depraved. My lifetime of low-grade anxiety had spiraled into near predictable, every 48 hour, bone-shaking, breath-stealing panic attacks. I would have one quiet day where I held my ish together, only to find myself lashing out at everyone (in what I now understand were fits of anger for the what I felt was unrequited care), then dwindle into a breathless, shaking mess - sometimes for hours on end - until I passed out, only to wake up and repeat the cycle. I was desperately seeking love and approval like my life literally depended on it. Constantly chasing. I was jumping through metaphorical hoops and forcing myself to adopt opinions and desires that were not my own for the sake of approval. I had become someone I utterly abhorred. And the kicker - no one ever asked me to chase their love - it was always freely given. But, because I didn’t love myself - demonstrated love differently than I did - I didn’t see it for the beautiful gift it was. I only knew there was a gap in the love I was recieving,, and I blamed other people for that gap. Now I know, it was me - all along - that was suppose to be filling that gap with love for myself. And now that I am, the difference in how I am able to accept and perceive love from others is startling.
Acceptance is a powerful driver. For animals, it means protection with the herd. It means meals. It’s the difference between life and death. For humans, it’s not that different when you really get down to the nuts and bolts. It may not mean physical life or death for us not to be accepted or loved, but we are - by design - social creatures made for community. (Yes, even us introverts! :) So, not being accepted wounds us deeply, and we often morph ourselves into a pseudo-version of us for the sake of acceptance.
It’s time to remove those layers that we picked up to fit in and find love. It’s time to treasure who we REALLY are, and love her so deeply that it doesn’t matter if anyone else loves us or not. And, what I think you’ll find is that - irony of all ironies - the more we love ourselves in the face of all that may not, the more love we attract from people we also, actually like.
But HOW!? How do we actually go through this process? Well, that’s that whole point of this blog. I was so tired of having the “what” and the “why” identified with no answers in sight about “how” to fix the problem!
In therapy, I was able to identify the outcomes I wanted, I traced my life back and found the roots of so many issues I was having, but never did anyone identify “these are the steps you need to take to grow.” It was all damage control to get through another day without losing my mind entirely. But, I wasn’t interested in just “not losing my mind.” I really believed I could thrive, and I was determined to figure out how.
Before we dive in I want to remind you - as someone who’s been there, and has tried alllllll the shortcuts - 99% of them just don’t work. Automation is a beautiful thing, but not when it comes to healing and life transformation.
You may have “woosh” moments - a term I learned from my days working with a nutrition coach where you will dramatically lose a pound or more over night - but this is all thanks to your hard work and dedication. You may do the right thing for days, weeks even months on end with little to show for it, and then, all of a sudden, one day it all just clicks and you feel like your an overnight success. But, you aren’t. You’re a product of the constant, relentless work you’ve been putting in day after day after day.
Now, onto the main event…. The 13 Practical Steps of Loving Yourself
First, as with most things, you have to decide. You have to - before you have felt it, before you understand it, before you know how to do it, or have any rational proof that you will succeed - you have to decide that you are going to love yourself.
Forgive yourself.
Aside from taking responsibility for something that isn't your fault (more on that later), there is no greater hurdle in this journey than forgiving yourself. It's complex and personal. When someone else wrongs you, you can distance yourself from them. But, what about when we feel like we've messed up our own lives? There's no getting distance from that, and the common avoidance tactics like alocohol, drugs, food, tv, sex, and sleep only lead us further away from who we long to be, and create more self-loathing. Please hear me when I say you absolutely cannot create the kind of transformation that reveals a thriving, vitbrant life from a place of self-loathing. I started this journey trying to shame myself into change, and I can atest that it made everything exponetially worse. How you go about self-forgiveness will never be something you can copy and paste from someone else, but I want to share my own approach that it may spark some inspiration in your soul. I began by apologizing to myself. So often, we are owed apologies we never get. So, I started by telling myself that I was sorry I had made choices that had created such choas for myself. I was sorry that life had become such a mess, and I was sorry for my role in that. But, I didn't beg and plead with myself for forgiveness. I apologized once - a sobbing, gutteral, come to Jesus realization that I had wronged myself. And when the tears had dried and my emotions had drianed, I stood up and took action. I backed up my self-apology with action and instead of spending my efforts contiintuinto apologize to myself - I did something else. I combined a hodge-podge of meditation practices, sensory deprivation baths (as much a could be accomplished in my bathroom at home) and long talks with myself in an actual mirror. And here's what I would say: "You did the best you could with the skills you had. You made the best choices you could make with the knowledge you had. I know more now, I'm developing better skills now, and I can react differently now. I am not going to punish myself for what I didn't know then. Instead, I am going to take positive action to revitalize my life, to clean and sort through the chaos my actions caused, and continue to learn and develop better skills and strategies out of a deep love for myself and my desire to thrive. I love myself, and I am so proud of myself for never giving up. I forgive myself for the actions I have taken that set myself back. I can and will make better choices for myself, starting now." I found the more that I took positive action, the easier it became to accept my own apology and forgive myself. Just as when a dear friend wrongs us, but we witness their consistent efforts to right the wrong and the injustice that we suffered at their hand becomes easier and easier to forgive until it's truely a thing of the past. We're rebuilding trust with ourselves, just like a friend would.
Get a road map for what your highest level of love looks like - who do you love unconditionally? Who would you actually do anything for? Who would you show up for over and over even if they were letting you down? For me - it’s my son. I love him with both a gentle guidance and a terrifying ferocity. It doesn’t matter if he’s having his best day or his worst day, I am there for him. I love him regardless of his success or failure. I will speak life and love into his little heart regardless of his actions. I hold him to a high standard, regardless of his motivation level. I love him even in the midst of being frustrated with him. My love never waivers, never fails. To be clear, I fail as a mom all the time. I apologize to him all the time. I admit my mistakes all the time. But, my love for him is steady and fierce. I realized I wanted to love myself THIS way. This imperfect, relentless love. I would find a way to give that love to myself.
Before we can go any further, we have to stop feeling sorry for ourselves. You will never be able to love yourself AND keep the victim mentality. Loving yourself is the most empowering thing that you can do for yourself, and empowered people do not sit on the sidelines hoping their life will change. They do not waste energy being angry or sad with other people who are using or manipulating them. They do not passively hope for better. They create better. This is a hard one - because it requires you to face yourself in the mirror. It requires you to take responsibility for everything, and this will likely be the hardest part. First, you MUST understand that responsibility and fault are not the same. Will Smith said it best - watch this. Many things are not your fault, but if it is affecting you - it is your responsibility. “I just can’t” needs to be banished from your vocabulary. If you aren’t going to do something about it, “I am choosing not to” should be the phrase you choose. Because, YOU are making a CHOICE to stay in the old patterns that don’t serve you. And man, this is just plain hard. For weeks - I didn’t even realize I was on a self-love journey. I had just finally realized that passing blame was also passing power. And I wanted to take back as much power and control over my life as possible because it was absolutely spinning out of control. It feels awful at first. It takes a practice to understand the distinction between fault and responsibility. And it takes even more practice to not feel overwhelmed by all that you begin taking responsibility for. But, in this practice (and, it is a practice - a life long practice) of owning responsibility, you are reclaiming the reigns of your own destiny, and absolutely nothing can stop you when you are boldly at the helm of your own ship!
Develop self-assurance by keeping the promises you make to yourself! I've been trying to find a term that encompases the following three concepts: trusting yourself, having confidence in your abilities and being proud of the effort and accomplishments you put into this world. They are are all different, but it's hard to talk about any of them independantly. And each one of them can be developed by consistently keeping the promises you make to yourself. I bet you've already told yourself what you need to do to make forward progress. The hard part is actually doing it. There's really no hack here, though I wish there were! This is where we grind. This is where we drag ourselves through the process again and again until it becomes habitual. This is where we seek accountability and create parameters to keep us on track. Keeping promises to ourselves slowly builds our self-assurance and reminds us that we are capable of thriving! Unfortunately, breaking those promises has the opposite effect, and will undermine our efforts to transform.
Here’s a small, but powerful example - if you set your alarm, get up when it goes off. (practical tip - put your phone in a different room, maybe next to the coffee pot or in your bathroom. After you silence your alarm, take 5 deep breaths. Even if it takes you a while to get moving - keep that promise to yourself. Make sure you have a plan for your morning routine that you look forward to, and jump into it.) Do not let the first action you take in your day be breaking a promise to yourself! I’ve found that achieving the goal is great, but the real pride comes from putting the work in. It’s time to start rebuilding that trust and pride in yourself. I'm going to be bold for a moment. It's hard to love someone who's constantly letting you down - even if that isn't their intention. Somebody who’s always rescheduling with you or showing up late, never doing what they said they would, always making decisions that are clearly going to land them in worse shape…. we distance ourselves from these people in friend groups, they get fired, we complain about them, and we certainly don’t trust them with anything important. But, are we doing this to ourselves? I was!
Here’s another example: there’s a phenomena called “Revenge Bedtime Procrastination” or RBP that occurs when people choose to sabotage tomorrow’s energy levels in favor of staying awake entirely too late, and maybe even skipping out on those evening tasks that would really help us because we are desperate for alone time and respite. I’ve done this more times that I can count! But, what I’ve also found is that I feel less desperate for escape when I a) get enough sleep - which helps me make better decisions, b) do the tasks that move the needle forward and set me up for success even when I don’t want to (more on this in the next blog post), and c) make sure I schedule in time to relax and be alone during the day so that I’m not stealing from myself at night. Choosing the action that will help you go forward or keep you from moving backwards (which, is sometimes the hardest fought win!) will fuel that sense of pride, which will in turn, create the energy we need to continue towards our goals. We will become less and less reliant on those inconsistent bursts of motivation and self-assurance will start to take real shape in our lives. As we continue to make choices that promote pride and trust in ourselves, loving ourselves will become easier. It will also become much easier to stand up for what we actually want - because the more self-assured we become, the more we feel worthy of a higher quality life.
Set boundaries with your love and energy. Chances are, if you’re struggling to love yourself, you’re a people-pleaser who is constantly giving (and subconsciously hoping to be given that love back in turn). Take a look at those you interact with. Are you giving too much away? It’s time to recollect your love and energy. Now, by no means am I saying that you shouldn’t love and help people! This world would be an even worse place if we took that approach. But, I am saying that we need to choose how we spend our energy and who we spend our energy on wisely. Especially if you are in the midst of some intense healing work. That takes significant energy. The biggest distinction here is this: if you are doing it for their approval or the high you get from their gratitude or praise when the thing is done, stop doing it. Don’t say yes. Don’t offer. This one takes practice, and a ton of trial and error! But, stop giving away your time, energy, creativity, choice and, yes, love, in an attempt to gain love and approval from others. We are giving that love to ourselves now! And, when we are loving ourselves well, we’ll be able to do things for others out of our abundance instead of from a place of desperation.
Uncover YOUR values, your opinions and preferences. For this, you’re going to have to get alone so you can hear that small piece of your soul that is still unequivocally you. Untouched by society, untouched by drama and trauma. I promise, you are in there. But, you may be no louder than a whisper. Make a habit of asking yourself, how do I really feel about this, as situations arise? Don't be afraid to say "I need time to think about that," as you re-learn yourself. Choose moments in your day to ask yourself “what’s really important to me? What legacy do I want to leave? What kind of person am I? What kind of goals do I want? What kind of people do I want to be surrounded by?” And listen. Listen to that soul of yours, that’s buried deep beneath society’s rubble. Start uncovering who you are, and let that guide an understanding of yourself and your priorities that may radically shake the landscape of your life as you know it.
On the heels of uncovering your personal values, opinions and preferences - it's time to give those a voice! Say no. Say yes. But, speak your truth! And say it again and never stop saying it! Even if it comes out in a whisper or a squeak at first. It’s hard to speak your truth when you’ve been trying to mimic other people for so long. And yet, truly loving yourself and being true to this person you are becoming means speaking up for yourself, even if what you’re saying disagrees with people whom you would never in a million years disagreed with before for fear that they might unfriend you, embarrass you or that you would look stupid. If you’re in a conversation and people are saying something you disagree with - toss your 2 cents in. They already did. Why can’t you!? If people are doing something you disagree with, it’s ok to tell them, or remove yourself and let them know why. We’re becoming bold, self-assured people who love themselves deeply. We don’t stay in situations that are at odds with the values we have chosen and we no longer play small and silent to keep the peace. " Bite your tongue to keep the peace and start a war within yourself"
Go exploring. Truthfully, I didn’t know what I liked when I first started this journey. I only knew what I had participated in that other people liked, so that they would like me. So, I went exploring. I took a Krav Maga class and loved it, I bought watercolors and didn’t love it, I bought new clothes, and new clothes again. I leaned into strength training, I got very into the universe and energies. I held onto my Christian beliefs, but also realized that no one asks enough questions. I looked for purpose and meaning and things that made me feel vibrant. And guess what… I found it. Very rarely, will you come up empty handed when you go seeking as hard as I did.
LET THEM. Other people’s reaction to you is not your responsibility. Let them be mad. Let them be frustrated. Let them be happy. Let them laugh. Let them be anything they want to be. But, do not use your energy to “fix” their mood or reaction. That energy is sacred. Check out Mel Robbins talking about this concept here. Loving yourself first means just that - you have to love yourself and prioritize your own convictions first, and everyone else second. Which means, if something important to you frustrates them, that’s ok. They have to figure out what to do with that frustration. Not you. Now, this doesn’t mean you should ignore genuine attempts to talk out differences or lend a sympathetic or consoling ear. And it definitely doesn’t give you license to be a jerk. But, it’s not your job to change your behavior in order to manage someone else’s feelings.
Reserve the right to change your mind. And change it again. This healing and transformation process will change you. You will almost certainly feel differently about things in a month, a year, a decade. Breaking promises to yourself - not cool. Realizing something isn’t working after giving it a solid chance, and changing course - very cool.
Never be ashamed of starting small and failing often! Learning to love yourself after years of giving your love away (and, speaking from experience, maybe even hating yourself) is going to take TIME, DEDICATION, FAILURE, and more time! You’re going to get it wrong. Let all those failed attempts be bricks you use to form an indestructible staircase to your own success. Start small, start tiny - but by all means, start today!
Last, and the one I still struggle with most today, stop wishing things had gone differently. Your destiny is yours to create, and everything you've experienced from the moment you were born until now can be useful if you choose to make it so. They akin our lives to tapestries, but I'm southern, so I'm a lot more familiar with quilts than tapestries. And I've seen many a gorgeous, high-priced quilt made from what an untrained eye would call scraps and left-overs. Train yourself to see your worth. Train your heart to value your story, even when it feels like all you're getting is leftovers. And don't stop sewing until your story is one you are proud of.
I had never given any consideration to whether or not I loved myself before my precious little family was on the brink of ruin. I was faced with the sobering question - if I didn’t love myself, who would? In retrospect, I knew all along I didn’t love myself. But, then again, it’s all so clear from the other side. I had been taught from an early age that approval, acceptance and love came from chasing the whims of others and sacrificing myself to keep the peace. I was taught that other people’s emotions were my responsibility, and my own happiness and fulfillment was folly when compared with the way other's felt about my actions. It left me a codependent, fragile, deeply depressed and anxious woman without any sense of self - no respect for myself, no confidence in myself, and certainly, no love for myself.
These steps are an incredibly brief recounting of the exact process I developed through trial and error that launched my radical transformation. There’s so much more to it, but this - at least, for me - was the place to start.
Life from the other side is a courageous, beautiful, vibrant thing. It’s possible. Thriving is possible. Every morning that I wake up is proof that there is life after depression. There is life after chaos. There is life after exhaustion and aimlessness. Will you take your life back? Will you join me on the journey?
Here's to life. Here's to purpose. Here's to you.
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